Attention, TV police cadets. I am a veteran TV cop show watcher. I have seen things you can only imagine. After years of watching shows about the force, I have comprised a few simple rules that will help you find success. here’s what every good TV cop does.
1) Remember (the guy from) “The Butler” did it The bigger the guest actor, the more likely they did it. Adam Arkin isn’t doing a guest spot to just to be cleared of all charges. Arkin wants a perp walk! If you meet a suspect and think, “Was that the guy from that show with the lady in the Hot Pocket commercial?” – then you got your murderer. This is mostly for cops on the “Law & Order” beat.
2) React strongly to kid cases All murders are horrible, but if a child is involved you must get extra angry and take it personally. Yell things like, “Damn it!” or “It’s just not fair.” Kick your desk or punch a file cabinet.
3) Hate Internal Affairs All officers on IA are rats should not be trusted. And, since we’re on the subject, anyone from the CIA or FBI are an empty suits. Seriously, you’ll do all of the work and those pencil pushers will take all of the credit.
4) Poke around in the teen girl’s double life for answers If a teenage girl dies on your watch, it will come out that she was involved in a prostitution ring or an internet porn ring. One of those two rings. Turns out she was a straight “A” student passing as a wholesome cheerleader from the midwest. But don’t be fooled. At night she was a high-priced call girl. Check her internet history. Also, when she’s found dead, she’ll be wearing a Catholic school uniform. Even if she went to public school.
5) Avoid banks and credit unions If you go to a bank for a quick errand on your day off, that branch will be robbed and you will be taken hostage. If you must go, bring a snack.
6) Go to strip clubs If the Russian mob is involved in a case, the godfather’s headquarters will be in a strip club. Feel free to investigate during operational hours. You don’t have to worry about the awkward experience of seeing topless woman because, for some reason, at the clubs you’ll be going to, dancers will always be dancing in their bathing suits.
7) Don’t be a sentimental fool – He did it If a case involves a retired cop, he either did it or is doing security for the guy who did it. I know he was your mentor, but chances are his wife recently passed away or left him and he’s totally obsessed with that one cold case you are opening up. Or he’s making a killing working private security for a fat cat and will do anything to protect him. We know it’s hard to bust a fellow police officer, especially one whose career inspired you to become a cop in the first place. But you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. I don’t care that he taught you everything you or that he’s the godfather to your children. When you see him walk into the squad for the first time don’t greet him with a big hello, just cuff him. Say, “Great to see you again, Charlie. You’re under arrest.”
8) Only Interview three people Many new detectives are surprised by this simple procedure. The third person you interview will be the killer. Always. The first one is the boyfriend/husband. The second suspect is just a misdirect. But the third person you interview will be guilty. I don’t care if it’s the best friend, office worker or mailman – that’s your man!
9) Don’t bother learning to read When you get a case file it’s not filled with affidavits or summaries anymore. Instead your file will contain tons of 8 X 10 glossy photos of the suspects and the crime scene. Sometimes there’s an old article from a newspaper announcing an award or some other exposition.
Take these pictures and put them on the wall of the squad. After all the pictures are up, get so
me string and connect the pictures. After the pictures are connected with the string stare at it for a long. Keep staring. You will eventually solve the murder. Or go cross-eyed.
10) Avoid the winners If a cop just got promoted or married, had a baby, bought a house, or is talking about giving up “the job” to open a flower shop…stay away from that officer! ESPECIALLY if it’s someone you rarely come into contact with. He will be murdered. Soon.
I know it’s unfair. But instead of thinking, “Why him?” ask yourself, “Who dat?” This red shirt rookie only came around so he could die, giving you the chance to avenge his death. So do it! Beware of positive life changes!
Now you know. So protect our TV streets. And thank you for your TV service.
Bonus!!! This goes for all the squads – if you meet this man (pictured), I don’t care if he’s a doctor or the victim’s father, he did it. Plain and simple. This guy always did it.